Anthony Buccino 

Breaker one-nine, it’s time to surf the Web

 By Anthony Buccino

Call off the search party. I’m back. In fact, I never went anywhere at all, I was simply sitting in front of my outdated antiquated plug-in abacus trying to figure out all the fuss on the world wide wait.

 So I am here to report that I’ve traded in my CB Radio and magnetic antenna for a Pentium chip and a bunch of letters and numbers only my sales associate can explain what it is they do to make my new computer system fly. But fly, it does.

 Lest you think I rushed into a hardware store and bought a computer with M & M’s in it, the opposite is true. I diligently researched our recycling stack of newspapers for Dilbert computer references and scrutinized “Dave Barry Does Cyberspace” before compiling my wish list for my system.

 My goals for a new computer system were not top of the line. Middle of the line would have worked for me. But whatever line my sales associate sold me, the darn thing works at everything I try. When something doesn’t work, I should chalk it off to my own dumb fault.

 As a special bonus to keep me computerly challenged for many, many years to come, my sales associate put on files and programs for stuff my computer will do long after I’ve grown old and gone to cyber-heaven. He told me he didn’t want me to outgrow this computer system too fast.

 Perhaps I should have taken him up on his two-hour free training. But I told him I unplugged my old computer and moved it across the room to make room for the new computer. Then I plugged in the old system and it worked. So, why would a computer guru like me need two hours of free training?

 Another thing that proved I didn’t need a geek’s training was that it only took me two hours to assemble the new hardwood computer table for the new computer system.

The beauty of the new wood is too good to hide by covering it with an over-sized monitor and a hard drive as big as Texas. The table even smells like real wood.

 When the table was fully assembled, as fully assembled as it would ever be, there were only a few dowles left over and a handful of brads for the back tackboard.

And I was missing one metal screw-dowel that held on the front of the top drawer. I put the extra parts into an empty film canister in the drawer that kept falling out.

 Likewise when I hooked up my new computer system, there were a few plugs left over that had no wires to connect to them, and some wires that had no place to go, so I stuffed them in the same drawer with the film canister of table parts. That way, if an on-site technician asks me for something, I only have to look in one drawer.

 Somehow when I plugged the new computer system into real electricity, everything worked pretty much the way my sales associate said it would.

In no time at all my curser kept disappearing off the screen and reappearing wherever it wanted. The mouse was out of control, so I picked it up from the pedal position and started over.

 Icons for strange and alien programs filled the screen. I waited for Pac Man to show up and eat them. Then the icons were covered by others until the whole screen had been tiled over.

This called for an experience solution, and I was just the one to handle it. So I reached into my bag of tricks and applied the old checkers’ champion ruse: I hit the reset button.

 The best reason for upgrading my out-dated antiquated plug-in abacus, was that now I could surf the world wide web like that kid Matthew Broderick did in the move, “War Games.”

All right, perhaps I wouldn’t be running all over the country with Ally Sheedy, but I could still have plenty of fun on-line.

 All the magazines I found lying around during my computer research said how easy it is to create your own home page on the world wide web.

Whenever something says how easy something else is going to be, watch out.

As an example, the computer system table I put together had only the simplest of drawings for me to decipher to put the dang thing together -- Shhh, did you hear a crash?

 Anyway, the facts of the case are somewhat different than what I expected them to be. In other words,  even I could make a home page on the world wide web.

And judging by the folks at localsource.com, if you can type, then you too can use your computer to create your own home page on the world wide web.

 My guess is that if you can figure how to get to the world wide web, and get to that address and scroll to the end where it talks about creating web pages and visiting web pages, then there’s a pretty good chance you too can make a home page.

That won’t stop folks like me from messing up on the first try and having to wait until the next day to try again.

 Take a timely hint from this old pro, the best times to get around while you are surfing the web is when everybody else is asleep. It is simple, really.

During the day, all the people who use the Internet in business are on-line clogging up all the phone lines.

In the afternoon, all the kids are doing their homework -- no, really. Then after dinner, all the teens chat about their favorite soap operas and rock videos.

 So, I’ve found that the best time to surf without getting dunked is when the rest of the world is asleep. It will seem as if you have the entire world wide web to yourself as you click between local town chats and state legislation and back to the joke of the day.

 When everyone asks where you’ve been, tell them what I always answer,  www.drlivingstone.ipresume?com.

This essay was adapted from 

Rambling Round - Inside & Outside at the Same Time

Copyright ©1997, Anthony Buccino, All Rights Reserved