Dog hair here, there and everywhere

By Anthony Buccino

Here's something about dog hair, it's like pollen. You don't ever see it moving on a breeze until it gangs up on you and forces an explosion in your nose.

Sometimes you can move a piece of furniture and find yourself asking your dog, "Is there another dog in here? One that's been vaporized except for his fur?"

Don't expect your dog to answer you unless you say one of the magic words such as cookie, treat, knot chewy, walk or ride in the car. And of course, no matter how smart your dog is, he won't be answering your question. All he wants is another biscuit.

There are ways to deal with dog hair here, there and everywhere.

The most obvious way to clear the air of dog hair, getting rid of the dog, won't work. If you got rid of your dog today, you'd still be finding his hair decades hence. Think: Christmas tree needles in July, only worse.

They say a poodle doesn't shed, not any more than a human sheds, so, you might want to try one of those. It's still a dog, technically. Little puppies grow into giant shedding machines.

Oh, you can brush and comb and groom your dog all day. Lord knows there are a gazillion products from gloves and metal combs and two-sided brushes with curved handles, all to help you control your dog's hair.

But I've found that after brushing or a grooming or a bath, my dogs all seemed to shed more. Granted, it's clean fur, but the shedding doesn't abate until the season has fully changed.

You could match your decor to your current dog.

With our black Lab, Libby, we had a car with a black interior. With our yellow Lab, Stormi, we got a tan minivan with a light tan interior. It matched her coat and you barely saw her fur in the many nooks and crannies of our Voyager.

With our latest dog, Zamboni, his chocolate color fur doesn't show up so much on the dark seats of our latest compact. He argues that he has a license and that he should be allowed to drive. No matter what door he enters the car, before you can shut that door, he is in the driver's seat adjusting the mirror.

It's one thing to have dog hair on the passenger seats (how often do I ever sit there?) but it's quite another thing for the dog and all his fur to settle in my seat.

Depending on your vehicle and your hound, you can carry your pet in a crate or carry-on, wired or weave or what-not. Even with your cur in a crate, you'll find in your car, dog hair, here, there and everywhere.

No matter what kind of vacuum cleaner you use, unless you follow your dog around all the time, you'll never keep up with that floating fur. Maybe your dog will let you use the vacuum nozzle on him? Mine won't.

You can sweep like the people in that curling sport, but dog hair will find places to hide and laugh at you.

You can buy an expensive air filter system that circulates and filters the air a thousand times an hour. But, guess what. You'll still have dog hair everywhere.

Maybe there's something useful for dog hair. You can stuff a pillow, or a mattress, depending on the size of your dog. You could toss the fur on the lawn and share it with the birds and mice of the field. Dog fur is part of a complete critter's nest.

Use it for science. Take that shed dog hair and clone it, see what dog it's from. Maybe create a new life form?

Like a salmon running upstream to spawn, every hair on your dog's coat is numbered and it knows where it has to go. Unlike a cat that will jump from the top of the refrigerator to behind the couch in its catlike way of leaving fur behind, dog hair will find its way everywhere without any help.

In the war on errant fur, the dog hair is here, there and everywhere. And it is winning.

First published as Dog Hair, Here, There and Everywhere in NJ.com October 28, 2008

Adapted from Retrieving Labrador Days - dog tales in prose and verse

Copyright © 2008 by Anthony Buccino

Cherry Blossom Press

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